I spent most of the day in pain and crying. I was supposed to go see Andie tonight but she didn’t message me, so now I have to go another day while she is at work and get things I need from there. I was hoping to see her but I’m not really sure why. One of my new favorite people today said “breaking up was a lot easier before the internet”. I couldn’t agree more. I’m so depressed my stomach has been killing me all day.
On the brightside of today, the same person helped me complete a rough draft of my resume, my mum gave me the number of someone who owns a timber framing company in the US, and I’m almost back to my weight I was when I got here.
Now I’m going to kill some nazi zombies then possibly myself.
I just booked a flight back to Victoria. I wish I wasn’t running out of money so fast, I’d love to stay here a little longer, as well as travel to a bunch of places I’ve always wanted to visit and see some people I really want to see. I will be back just a couple days before Dave leaves to come to Ontario for Jeff and Dawn’s wedding. I feel really bad about not attending their wedding, but I don’t feel like I could handle that right now. I always wanted to marry Andie. She was never into it. I’m happy Jeff found someone who feels like he does. I need to remember to get them something really nice once I have some money.
Hopefully, by the time I return to Victoria my xbox will be fixed and waiting for me at Dave’s house. Dave, if you’re reading this, I assume you returned Saints Row 2 since I haven’t been receiving daily calls from blockbuster. Thanks for that. Hope you at least played it a bit.
It’s sad to say it, but for the last 3 years I have felt closer to this cat than anything or anyone else. Normally that wouldn’t be sad, but I was in a relationship that entire time. One would think that I would be closest with that person I chose to share my life with, but when you hug someone and feel nothing coming back from them, and then you pet your cat and feel tons of love and happiness eminating from her, I guess after a while the things you can’t live without can change. I can accept that Andie doesn’t love me anymore even though it sucks. I think I could see her and not break down, but the cats are a different story. I need to go and finalize everything, and get my stuff out of her house so she can do what she wants, but honestly I have been avoiding it this entire time because I just can’t stand the thought of having to see my cats again. Just travelling through St Catharines right now kills me. I hate every second of being there. I just want to have my kitty on my lap and have her rub her face on mine. I miss her gross breathe so much.
I took a bunch of stuff from my Nan’s house to the dump today. It’s sad just being in her house without her there. I wish I had all kinds of money. I would buy my Nan and Pa’s house. They had a nice big corner lot in Port Colborne and when I was a kid they spent a bunch of money on landscaping. They put in all kinds of beautiful raised beds, and a big rock garden next to a large pond. My Pa’s remains were spread into the gardens surrounding the pond when he died years ago. My Nan will soon join him there which makes me really happy. However, since none of the family can afford to keep the house, a short time after their reunion the gardens will be sold along with the house to some random person who will never know a couple of over 50 years continues to silently love each other in the earth below their “round up ready” begonias. Unfortunately the ground right now is frozen solid under a foot or more of snow, so that can’t be done for a few months. That means at some point in the spring, I might be doing a midnight scattering of my Nan’s ashes in the gardens belonging to whoever bought her home.
Some of the things I took to the dump were incredibly old, and had a lot of family history associated with it. The saddest part of that is it got me thinking about all the things I’ve made in the past couple years, and all the things I did to Andie’s house that I was so proud of, and how all those things will be gone soon, or at least someday. My mum tells me all the history linked to my Nan’s furniture that is getting thrown out. A lot of the stuff isn’t the nicest looking furniture, but it’s all stuff that my Pa or some relative made, and it all has a reason for why it was made. My mum is the only one of my Nan’s three children who knows about most of the history of all this stuff, and it’s sad to listen to her tell me a story about how my great uncle built a table for my Pa and then in the same breath tell me to take it to the dump, only to be smashed and have it’s remains littered with tampons and condoms from some sluts dorm room.
When I die I won’t be leaving anything behind. There won’t be anyone to leave it to. I’m ok with that. Me and all my possessions are going to find a spot between some old porn mags and a broken Gameboy and let seagulls shit on us all day.
I just weighed myself after a weekend of indulgence, and I’m now exactly 10 pounds heavier than I was when I got here 23 days ago. My daily cookie intake has increased to critical levels. My double dinners have to stop. My running shoes (along with many other things) need to be in my possession once again. Motivation needs to find it’s way to the top of the pile of emotions I am feeling on a daily basis, and kick my ass into gear.
I hate how often I write about things I need to change. I wish I liked myself more.
Fuck, I am going to get fat and gross if I stay at my parent’s house much longer. My mum bakes all the time, and I have no will power when it comes to food. I haven’t been very active since I got back to Ontario in December. The whole time I was with Dave the most exercise I did was walking. I did a fair amount, but not enough. I want to learn yoga, or maybe get back into tai chi (I only really learned the basics then stopped practicing it all together). I also want to join a gym, because I don’t feel like running outside in the winter, and figure it will be good to force myself into social situations. I really hate going out in public most days. A lot of that comes from self confidence. I figure self confidence comes with discipline (I’m sure it comes in many ways), and the better shape I’m in and more active I am, the happier I am. I think that being more comfortable with myself will help me be more comfortable with other people. Who knows. For now, I have to stop eating cookies, smoking my regular amount of weed, and playing so much fucking Geometry Wars. In my defense, I am absolutely pwning my high scores like they were set by some n00b. It’s hard to stop when you see your name moving up theÂ leader boards.The cookies are delicious. Weed is weed.
Also, I need to get my camera fixed.
I’ve been spending a lot of time doing fuck all. Ontop of that, I’ve gotten a lot of thinking done, and watched a butt load of T.V. and films. Here is a list of ones I plan to watch again soon.
Californication – Great show with lots of sex.
Chasing Ghosts – Film I have been dying to see about 80′s arcade gaming superstars, and where they are now.
Frisky Dingo – Adult Swim show I haven’t seen enough of to explain. Caught a few episodes on my brother’s ipod while waiting for him.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Another funny show I can’t explain.
Man on Wire – Great film about a guy who walks a tightrope between the twin towers.
I’m assuming it’s a result of my current emotional state, but for the first time ever something on tv almost brought me to tears. I can’t wait until I stop being so lame.
I miss my cats so much. I hope they are all happy without me. I figure they probably forget me already, which is sad, but sadder still is knowing soon some other dude will be having his lap fought over by all the ladies I love. The other day I was thinking about how excited I thought they’d be when I got home from being away for two months, and then when I saw them they didn’t seem to care at all. I hope it wasn’t because they had already found a new lap to fight over.