I took a bunch of stuff from my Nan’s house to the dump today. It’s sad just being in her house without her there. I wish I had all kinds of money. I would buy my Nan and Pa’s house. They had a nice big corner lot in Port Colborne and when I was a kid they spent a bunch of money on landscaping. They put in all kinds of beautiful raised beds, and a big rock garden next to a large pond. My Pa’s remains were spread into the gardens surrounding the pond when he died years ago. My Nan will soon join him there which makes me really happy. However, since none of the family can afford to keep the house, a short time after their reunion the gardens will be sold along with the house to some random person who will never know a couple of over 50 years continues to silently love each other in the earth below their “round up ready” begonias. Unfortunately the ground right now is frozen solid under a foot or more of snow, so that can’t be done for a few months. That means at some point in the spring, I might be doing a midnight scattering of my Nan’s ashes in the gardens belonging to whoever bought her home.

Some of the things I took to the dump were incredibly old, and had a lot of family history associated with it. The saddest part of that is it got me thinking about all the things I’ve made in the past couple years, and all the things I did to Andie’s house that I was so proud of, and how all those things will be gone soon, or at least someday. My mum tells me all the history linked to my Nan’s furniture that is getting thrown out. A lot of the stuff isn’t the nicest looking furniture, but it’s all stuff that my Pa or some relative made, and it all has a reason for why it was made. My mum is the only one of my Nan’s three children who knows about most of the history of all this stuff, and it’s sad to listen to her tell me a story about how my great uncle built a table for my Pa and then in the same breath tell me to take it to the dump, only to be smashed and have it’s remains littered with tampons and condoms from some sluts dorm room.

When I die I won’t be leaving anything behind. There won’t be anyone to leave it to. I’m ok with that. Me and all my possessions are going to find a spot between some old porn mags and a broken Gameboy and let seagulls shit on us all day.