It’s Roan’s birthday!!! Everyone’s favourite four foot assassin is almost a decade old today.

“But Cobra, how does Roan celebrate his ninth year of ass kicking?” – you ask. Well, phase one begins with birthday-beef-on-a-bun (which he hated) that has to be eaten entirely in order to move on to phase two: Marble Slab (And not that cheap kid’s size either. He’s a man now after all. A man who eats his big bowl of ice cream with a tiny, sample size spoon, but still a man nonetheless).

Phase three consists of returning home, full of ice cream, to setup Roan’s gift from me – an Xbox Live account (surprise!), which leads into phase four: Crying About Your Xbox Live Name Being Str8UpPerogies Because You Couldn’t Think of One So After Twenty Minutes I Made One Up.

Phase five is when he complains about having to go to bed over an hour after his bed time.

Phase six consists of having me make him breakfast and secretly slipping sunflower seeds into his lunch (hopefully he’s surprised), followed by a brief video interview.

Phase seven is highly important. It’s when he gets to pwn noobz for a half hour before school.

Phase eight is all about photo shoots. First we have the top photo (which was just too good to save until this far into the post) featuring Roan in his new wrist pads his aunt Dawn bought him (which he has disassembled in order to make them “cooler”, and then decided to wear to school today). After that, we decided to record his “emo” scars on his arms (something we discussed in our video interview). Gage claims Roan’s emo. Roans says it’s not his fault, the cat is emo.

Phase nine is the worst phase of all. The going to school all day, followed by up north all weekend phase. I’m sure he’ll have fun up north, but I’m also pretty sure that since he now has Xbox Live he’d rather spend the weekend unlocking ACOG scopes and knifing sentry guns while “cold blooded”.