We went to see Jon on the weekend, hoping he’d be able to rescue some of my lost data on my laptop, and so Holly could go to her favourite Mexican restaurant. We were there until almost 3am and had no luck at all trying to find any of my files, or repairing the file system. So now I have officially lost about 30-45 hours of work for James, about 30 gigs of photos/videos of Holly and I, about 400 hours of personal work, 2 complete sets of questions for Dallas and Roan, and who knows what else (I’m sure plenty more, but I can’t be certain because I don’t even remember all of what was there.
Even though it wasn’t good news to find out, I’m still glad I know that it’s gone. I have had a rough couple weeks now, and I need to sort my life out. When I thought there was still hope to save some of that data I was avoiding redoing the work and carrying on with other important things. Now that I know better what I have to do (work-wise) in order to get back on track I can start moving on.
As for my financial stress, it hasn’t been even remotely alleviated. Last week I applied for social assistance, got home, got a phone call from James assuring me he was depositing money in my account, called and cancelled my welfare claim, and rejoiced slightly. That was last Friday. As of this moment there is still $5.07 in my bank account. I’m doing my best not to stress, but I’m about ready to give up. I can’t seem to get ahead of the game at all, no matter how hard I work.
So, as it stands now, I’m currently continuing to work on the book (possibly for free it seems) and actively seeking a job in Timber Framing. I most likely won’t be attending Disney with Holly and the boys in November (mainly because of money, but also because I spoke with some Ontario TFG members who said they’d have a booth setup at the Royal Winter Fair, which takes place the week we’re supposed to be at Disney.
James has told me to go easy on the number of hours I devote to the book (or should I say BOOKS, as he’s once again changed his mind and decided to go back to the original plan of 3 separate books – makes perfect sense considering how close we are to finishing the project as one book), so I’m taking that as more incentive to seek out the job I really want when I’m not working on the book(s) (which could be pretty often if that fucking money doesn’t show up soon).
I’m trying my best to stay positive through all this, but with a lack of money comes a lack of pot, and therefore a lack of patient, calm cobras. Thanks to everyone who has helped me out over the last week, and an extra big thanks to Holly for not only helping and providing for me, but also enduring my insanity (something no one but me should ever have to cope with).
Last week, when Gage went to his friends cottage for a few days, I lent him my old camera (the one that has no flash and constantly flashes an error code on screen) which still works for videos and photos in bright places. When he got home the other day, I asked to see his photos. He said he had forgotten all about it, and had only taken “two really cool videos” with it. I was excited to see these “really cool videos” so I turned the camera on and hit play. Both videos were about 35 seconds long, and both were videos of him and Mac playing Call of Duty. Neither was “really cool”, and it seemed like a waste of taking a camera up north for a week.
Later, Holly and I were watching tv, and Gage came to ask if he could use the camera to film Roan. I said sure, then forgot all about it. Yesterday I woke up miserable, and stayed that way for most of the day. Then I saw my camera sitting on the table and remembered that Gage was using it the night before. I hit the play button to see what he’d recorded and it instantly brought a smile to my face.
The first video is the best. It reminds me of me as a kid. I had a stuffed bear that was about the same height as me, and I would wrestle and toss him all over my parent’s house right up until I was probably Gage’s age. The video got even better when Roan started teabag’ing his stuffed animal and Gage chimes in – making his presence known for the first time – by saying “You go Tiger!” in his attempt at a lisp-y voice.
This second video is just Roan trying to convince Gage to make a funny video with him, but Gage isn’t willing. Roan then tries to get Gage to take a picture of him in a cool pose, which then turns into him smashing the chair with a broom handle repeatedly. Not as great as the first video, but it still makes me laugh.
I’m definitely going to have to let them use that camera more.
In the last 3 days I’ve gone from being extremely motivated and positive about the future, to wanting to curl up and die while the things I struggle to cope with overwhelm me.
First I lost an enormous amount of data and work, that I doubt I’ll be able to get back. This happened with one little click at around 12:30am Tuesday, while I was wrapping up a 12-15 hour work day (I suck at keeping track of hours). As a result I had a massive episode of panic, fear, anger, and suffered a huge blow to my motivation. I slept like shit and woke up completely devastated. I was already getting down about my money situation (nothing new really), and this was just something I didn’t need to have happen.
I decided to call James and let him know that the next deadline he and I had just discussed, was now going to need reevaluating. I was hoping he’d be supportive and maybe provide a little bit of a pep talk (something he’s done in the past when I was struggling), make things seem not as bad as the are. Instead I got to hear about his financial misfortune, and how I shouldn’t expect to see another paycheque for a while. He then said that the way he sees things, I can either put the project on hold until his funds are sorted or I can continue to work on it and get paid when he can afford it.
I’m not sure if I was just shocked, or if I’m as big of a pussy as Holly thinks I am, but I didn’t even think to ask him if I would be getting paid for the hours I had submitted the week prior (about 130 something hours). Instead, I just told James how badly I wanted to finish the book after investing so much time and energy into it thus far, and said – “Well, I really don’t want to pass this off to someone else, nor do I want to put it on the shelf with the intention of coming back to it some day (in case it never happens), so I guess I’ll just try and get it done as fast as possible, so you can start printing it and generating some money.”.
That would be fine if I still had some savings, but I don’t. I literally have $5 to my name, and even that should belong to VISA. I’m starting to bring Holly down with me, as she’s always willing to help me out. I feel like shit because I constantly fuck up, make wrong choices, and then I let it get so out of control it starts making the lives of the people I love difficult or miserable. I want to be a contributing factor in this family, and I feel like if that doesn’t start soon I need to remove myself before I do anymore damage. Holly shouldn’t have to worry about anything other than Gage and Roan. Me being in the equation just over-complicates things. I don’t want the boys missing out on anything because Holly had to cover my share of something. That’s not fair to her or them.
Today I officially stop working on the book (which is also sad because it so close to finished), and start looking for a job. In the meantime I’m hoping Social Assistance will be able to offer me some help. Holly sent out a couple resumes last night while I sat and tried to figure out how she writes cover letters so well and hated myself for sucking at it. There really isn’t much around here, but a couple positions we saw looked ideal for me. It may just be my negativity talking, but I really don’t expect to hear anything from anyone.
I have to find something positive in the immediate future. I can’t hide my misery at all and that’s not something the boys or Holly need to be exposed to. The only things that made me smile in the last two days was this card and a couple videos of the boys.
Roan is such a sweet kid, and I often give him a hard time because I’m an idiot. He spent an hour yesterday making me a card to cheer me up. It may not have solved my problems, but it definitely made me smile and melted my heart.
It’s things like this that make me think working a shitty job can’t be that bad if it means I get to still be a part of Holly and the boy’s lives. Now I just have to find a shitty job. Wish me luck…
Even though he’s got the black-cat-asshole gene and constantly beats on Kanika whenever she breathes, Shakespeare can be a cuddly little cobra cat. Today I went downstairs to get a drink and saw these two jail house lovers laying together at the top of the stairs.
By taking a picture I broke the whole session up, but it was worth it. I wish there was more natural light upstairs, the cats always seem to do the cutest things where there is the least light. Or maybe I just need to learn how to use a camera better.
Yesterday morning I did some modeling and killing before we left for a day of birthday celebrations. First I finished off my electric hoist I started the night before, then I got a start on a block and tackle. Both of these are for the book’s appendix, which I plan to have finished by week’s end.
These were the last two tools I had to model, but I still have quite a few drawings to finish before the entire appendix is done. Some of them are impossible to decipher because the fax came through so shitty, but I’m trying to get all the ones I can see out of the way before I go clearing it up over the phone with James (which always has potential to take hours). Most of those drawings are simple (from what I can make out) and shouldn’t take much time. Today I have to edit the spreadsheet data in each section of the book (booooooooring), then I’ll finish what drawings I can.
Around noon yesterday we went to Holly’s brother’s house for his daughter’s birthday party. We had barbecue and cake, then had to leave to go celebrate my mum’s birthday, where we had pizza and cheesecake (was it my birthday, or my mum’s?), then played a couple games of Pinochle (an old tradition in my family). My dad and I owned the first game, but the second game was a very close loss (if it wasn’t for one card, we’d have had it!).
Also there to celebrate was everyone’s favourite little warrior, sporting a fashonably mighty hairdo. I only got to hold him for a few minutesÂ before he started unleashing his mighty battle cry and I turned him over to someone with bewbs. He calmed down once Holly walked around with him for a bit. She tried to convince me to do it, but I’m still terrified I’m going to drop him and would be better off with him on my lap.
Unfortunately Felix had to leave before the cards started, but before he did he posed for some photos.
Rock beats scissors everytime.
Today I sent James a revised edition of the entire book (minus the appendix and glossary), and set the record straight on how to properly spell diaphragm (I swore there was a “g”, James told me on two separate occasions I was wrong… currently my spellchecker has my back). I also modeled a couple of bar clamps I need for the appendix. I’m not sure if I need both, or just one (and if one, which one?) so I just made both. Neither took me very long so I won’t feel bad if I only use one, but James pays me for both.
After I did all that, I submitted my hours and went to see my friend Andrew (who I have seen, in person, twice in the last five years or so) and his newest addition to his family (both his boys are named after Stargate characters!!). He had a barbecue in his backyard this afternoon, and I saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in years. It was really fun hanging out with all these people I used to see daily, and now rarely do. I also got to have some of Andrew’s famous Ceaser salad, which I have been missing for years.
Today is also my mum’s birthday. She went and hung out with the Mighty Felix this afternoon, while my brother and Lisa cleaned their old place. Sunday I will go visit her with Holly and Roan, after we go celebrate Holly’s niece’s birthday. We’ll have lots to celebrate that day as my brother also got news that he landed the job he was hoping for, securing his future apprenticeship. You can read all about that over at his new blog.
Holly recently posted a story on her blog about some crazy things she had to deal with at work last week. I did a google search for an appropriate image to accompany this post, and came up with the above. It’s fancy.
Here’s the second installment in my latest blog feature, the Cobra Inquisition. This is where I post videos of my best friend’s responses to my stupid questions. The first segment focused on asking questions about animals, and it was a lot of fun. This segment is focused on aliens and space.
Ladies and gentlemen prepare yourself for the Cobra Inquisition: Aliens
-Do you believe in aliens?
-Do you prefer the word alien, or xenomorph?
-Who was the first person in space?
-Can you name all the planets in our solar system?
-What’s your favourite planet?
-If aliens came to earth and asked you to show them a fun time, where would you take them, and what would you do?
-What would you tell an alien to convince him that humans are cool and that we should hang out more?
-Would you eat fruit from an alien planet?
-Would you eat an alien?
-Should we trust aliens?
Thanks again to Dallas and Jenna for their help and participation. Stay tuned for our next segment which I’ve already begun preparring the questions for.
Yesterday I was in the middle of playing some Borderlands while on my lunch break, when Roan turned around from his computer and asked me “Did you know there is a video of me on Youtube?”. I said “Yup, I’ve seen lots of you on there.”. He must have thought I meant I see him on there, using that website a lot. He said “No, I mean there’s actually a real video of me, playing drums, on youtube… it’s called 9 year old drummer.”.
After searching for 15 minutes he got pissed because there was ten million videos ofÂ nine year olds playing the drums, and his was nowhere to be found. I told him I would gladly record him playing, and upload it to youtube for him. He said “No, that’s okay.”, like he usually does, but then changed his mind moments later. He asked me to not start filming right away, so of course I had to (I didn’t want to miss anything good!), and then I faked like I wasn’t recording yet when he decided he was ready. Hopefully he’s not mad at me for recording him being embarassed. I think I’ll lie and tell him my camera is weird sometimes and I didn’t realize it was filming already.