Book stuff, Life, Love

Cheer up Cobras

08.26.10 | Comment?


In the last 3 days I’ve gone from being extremely motivated and positive about the future, to wanting to curl up and die while the things I struggle to cope with overwhelm me.

First I lost an enormous amount of data and work, that I doubt I’ll be able to get back. This happened with one little click at around 12:30am Tuesday, while I was wrapping up a 12-15 hour work day (I suck at keeping track of hours). As a result I had a massive episode of panic, fear, anger, and suffered a huge blow to my motivation. I slept like shit and woke up completely devastated. I was already getting down about my money situation (nothing new really), and this was just something I didn’t need to have happen.

I decided to call James and let him know that the next deadline he and I had just discussed, was now going to need reevaluating. I was hoping he’d be supportive and maybe provide a little bit of a pep talk (something he’s done in the past when I was struggling), make things seem not as bad as the are. Instead I got to hear about his financial misfortune, and how I shouldn’t expect to see another paycheque for a while. He then said that the way he sees things, I can either put the project on hold until his funds are sorted or I can continue to work on it and get paid when he can afford it.

I’m not sure if I was just shocked, or if I’m as big of a pussy as Holly thinks I am, but I didn’t even think to ask him if I would be getting paid for the hours I had submitted the week prior (about 130 something hours). Instead, I just told James how badly I wanted to finish the book after investing so much time and energy into it thus far, and said – “Well, I really don’t want to pass this off to someone else, nor do I want to put it on the shelf with the intention of coming back to it some day (in case it never happens), so I guess I’ll just try and get it done as fast as possible, so you can start printing it and generating some money.”.

That would be fine if I still had some savings, but I don’t. I literally have $5 to my name, and even that should belong to VISA. I’m starting to bring Holly down with me, as she’s always willing to help me out. I feel like shit because I constantly fuck up, make wrong choices, and then I let it get so out of control it starts making the lives of the people I love difficult or miserable. I want to be a contributing factor in this family, and I feel like if that doesn’t start soon I need to remove myself before I do anymore damage. Holly shouldn’t have to worry about anything other than Gage and Roan. Me being in the equation just over-complicates things. I don’t want the boys missing out on anything because Holly had to cover my share of something. That’s not fair to her or them.

Today I officially stop working on the book (which is also sad because it so close to finished), and start looking for a job. In the meantime I’m hoping Social Assistance will be able to offer me some help. Holly sent out a couple resumes last night while I sat and tried to figure out how she writes cover letters so well and hated myself for sucking at it. There really isn’t much around here, but a couple positions we saw looked ideal for me. It may just be my negativity talking, but I really don’t expect to hear anything from anyone.

I have to find something positive in the immediate future. I can’t hide my misery at all and that’s not something the boys or Holly need to be exposed to. The only things that made me smile in the last two days was this card and a couple videos of the boys.


Roan is such a sweet kid, and I often give him a hard time because I’m an idiot. He spent an hour yesterday making me a card to cheer me up. It may not have solved my problems, but it definitely made me smile and melted my heart.


It’s things like this that make me think working a shitty job can’t be that bad if it means I get to still be a part of Holly and the boy’s lives. Now I just have to find a shitty job. Wish me luck…

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