Yesterday was supposed to be the day to end my financial woes and cheer me up about life in general. Instead the day consisted of 3 hours on the phone with James (which I don’t get paid for) going over Bents corrections, 4000 phone calls to his secretary, 8ooo logins to my online banking, 12000 instances of me shouting ‘FUCK’ as loud as I can and slamming my fist against something I wished was a human head, and finally an angry phone call where I informed James I was seconds away from putting my fist through my computer and backups of everything I’ve done for him and washing my hands of the whole thing.

I’m so sick and tired of being treated like I am the reason this project has dragged on so long, while at the same time working my ass off and not getting paid. I went to school to learn to build houses because I WANT TO BUILD HOUSES. I only agreed to do the book for fear that I wouldn’t qualify as an ideal candidate for a timber frame company with basic schooling alone. I figured the experience of illustrating a book on the field I wish to be a part of was a great way to show the world I know what I am doing (when it comes to timber framing).

I am so depressed I just want to smash everything I own then curl up in the pile of destruction and wait for death to find me. The only thing that made me happy (although it also made me real sad) was coming home from grocery shopping with Holly (which I was supposed to pay for, fuck) to a handmade card from the Roanster.

The card came in a halloween themed pouch with ghosts on the front, along with a $5 bill. Upon seeing the $5 I got bummed right out. Both because a nine year old has more money than I do, and because I should be the one helping him, not the other way around. I gave the money back immediately and gave him a hug. I told him I loved the card, and although I really appreciated the money I couldn’t accept it. He hugged me back then went to bed.

This morning I woke up miserable (surprise!). If I don’t hear from James or his secretary today a good reason why my money isn’t in my account, then I’m giving up. I will delete everything I’ve done for him and he can start over with someone new who doesn’t have an issue with starving or wearing tattered clothes. Me, I’m done.