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Roanisms

Roanisms
EA$Y Engli$h
05.29.11 | Permalink | Comment?

Two evenings ago, Holly was tidying up the laundry room – which is the place the boys drop their shit the moment they get home from anywhere – and she came across another example of how awesome Roan is, and how much he loves me.

I love that he signs his name with the colon in there – Roan: Meredith
Gageisms, Roanisms
Red Roan, Red Roan
05.29.11 | Permalink | Comment?

On Friday night, Roan had his friend Daylon (no, not Dylan) sleep over. Gage slept at his friend Josh’s, so Roan and Daylon took advantage of the tv being available and watched movies all night. Roan didn’t sleep at all, then woke Holly and I up around 6:30am. The next night he asked to have his friend Kyle stay over. Holly said sure, then Gage asked to have two of his friends stay as well. Holly again said sure, but on the condition that he wasn’t an asshole to his brother.

This morning Holly was up first (which is a first) and went down to check on the boys. It was obvious that Roan and Kyle fell asleep first, and Gage hadn’t really held up his end of the deal.

When I tried to take the above photo, Roan first tried to hide, but then he cooperated once we told him even the best of us have gotten the “first asleep” treatment. Plus, although it’s not something you’d want written on your arm, we decided he must actually like poo, since he rarely manages to flush it away.
Love, Roanisms
No broken hearts
05.08.11 | Permalink | Comment?

Holly found this in Roan’s school stuff last week. Clearly he’s unaware of the concept of double negatives, otherwise he’d know that “Don’t Show nowon” technically means – Show everyone! So, I’ve decided to do just that. We have no first hand proof, but we suspect this card is for a girl in his class named Andrea (I know, I’ve warned him about the double-A’s already) who broke up with him because she was mad at Roan’s friend Mitchell (it’s complicated… all you need to know is that Mitchell is definitely a dick most times, and Roan is always a sweetheart).

I’m not sure if this card won her back, but she did call here yesterday looking for Roan. I suppose maybe she was looking for him to bitch, because the card was actually for someone else, but who knows. Either way, the kid is both a poet and a player.
Animals, Roanisms
Unlucky Charms
04.29.11 | Permalink | Comment?

Wednesday afternoon I was sitting at my desk, working, when Roan came running up stairs completely hysterical. “Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh my god..! Eric! Oh my god… check this out… I found a four leaf clover!”, I stopped working immediately (obviously, it’s a fucking four leaf clover yo!) and snapped the above photo for him. He then told me he didn’t know four leaf clovers were real, because people say six leaf clovers aren’t real (two things: I have never heard anyone say anything about a six leaf clover ever, and how does that even relate to a four leaf clover?). I then asked where he found it, and I got the whole story. “Cameron said we should look for four leaf clovers, so we found a patch of them, and the first one I picked had four leaves, and I was like – holy crap! That’s awesome.. It’s just so cool.”. I told him he’s supposed to have good luck, but I might have been wrong…

The four-leaf clover is an uncommon variation of the common, three-leaved clover. According to tradition, such leaves bring good luck to their finders, especially if found accidentally.

Apparently if you’re clover hunting the results may vary from someone who just stumbles upon one. I normally would dismiss all of this as superstition, but it would appear there might be some truth (not likely, but just pretend) to it all. The very next day, our luck was far from good. Then this morning Roan woke up to find a slaughtered mouse in the middle of his new rug.

Hopefully his trip to Medieval Times today goes off without a hitch. I personally know just how rotten of a time one can have at that place when cursed with bad luck.

For the record, clovers can have more than four leaves: the most ever recorded is 56, discovered by Shigeo Obara of Hanamaki, Iwate, Japan on 10 May 2009. Thanks Wikipedia.
Gageisms, Photos, Roanisms
Roan’s revenge
04.21.11 | Permalink | Comment?

After raising him from a young age, and training him in the arts of cold blooded murder, he and his brother set out on a mission to save hot chicks with hewg bewbz from the evil lurking around every corner of this shit town. It didn’t take them long to eliminate most of the major threats within the city’s rotten core and life generally improved for most. Everything was looking great for the pair of vigilant brothers, who were in it strictly for the good of all the big bewbed hotties in town, and all the awesome guns they got to play with (/doubleentendre>).

It was all looking too good for too long. Something had to happen. Something always has to happen…

Unlike any other story ever told ever before, ever, something new happened… one brother betrayed the other! No one ever saw it coming ever. It was the best plot conflict ever (you know, because how can the good guy kill the bad guy when no matter how evil he is, he’s still his bro, bro).

Through some incredible sequence of unlikely events, Roan was able to escape his brother (who was older AND trained HIM let’s not forget) and fled the country to build a weapon capable of destroying the brother who betrayed him – the V420 Vengeance-blaster. While away, his brother kidnapped the one hottie he actually loved, and kept her captive as insurance. He had no idea his little brother would return wielding deadly vengeance.

No one could have imagined the damage Gage was capable of doing in the short time Roan was absent from the town, but it would all soon come to an end, the streets would once again be peaceful. In the end it only took a single shot from the V420 to bring down the hero turned villian, and set in motion the events that would cause his empire of corruption to fall. Roan saved his love, and she gave him a silly band shaped like a heart and two sticks of gum.

Then Roan went home and played with his cars and never picked them up… ever.
Roanisms
Space
04.21.11 | Permalink | 3 Comments

A little while ago Roan brought home a pile of stuff from school, and once I had a chance to go through it I found this informative masterpiece. I have transcribed it exactly how it was originally typed by the author, and I’ve decided to highlight some of my favourite parts.

SPACE

SPACE IS VARY INTORESTING TRIONS OF PLANETS AND GALAXSES ALL IN OUR HEWG HEWMUGES UNEVERS AND OUR SOLER SITAM JUPATER WITH 61 MOONS URANUS WITH 9 MOONS EARTH WITH 1 MOON AND ALL THE ATHER PLANETS in the SOLER SISTAM AND THERE ARE MANY DIFRENT AND BIGER STARS THAN THE SUN ANDTRILEONS OF MORE ANDBIGER PLANETS THANEARTH TO BUT NOT a lot OF PLANETS SESTAN LIFE ATHER THAN EARTH. SPACE IS A VERY BIG PLACE WITH TRILEONS OF MILEONS OF NEET THINGS TO BUT ALIENS COULD BE OUT THERE TO THOU I THINK WE CANT BE THE ONLY LIFE IN THE UNEVERS THE UNEVERS IS JUST SO BIG THAT IT CAN FIT SO MANY WANDERFULL LIFE JUST MILONS OF THE PLANETS DONT HAVE ATMISFIRS OR ANY OXEJEN FOR US TO BREETH . METERS CAN COME THREW OUR ATMISFUR AND KILL PEOPLE BUT IT USHULY DOSONT happen VERY OFTENT BUT I THINK it is WHAT KILLED THE DINOSORS BUT IT MAYMHAVE NOT YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOUR NEVER THERE BUT THINGS happen LIKE THAT BUT PEOPLE HAVEVANESHED MILONS OF HABETATS TO THOU PEOPLE DESTROYED EARTH ALLSO I WISH PEOPLE HAVE NEVER DO SUCH A THING LIKE THAT EVER BUT OVER TIME ANIMALS LIFE WILL JUST FADE AWAY BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE VERY INTELEGENT LIKE PEOPLE BUT ONLY SOME PEOPLE USE THE INTELAGENT PEOPLE sometimes JUST DESTROY EVERYTHING instead. BUT METERS AND COMETS PAST EARTH AND THE MOON ALL THE TIME. Space is just a big ixsplotion and it is just expanding and expanding. The sun is about half way to exploding into a black hole that has the strength to crush something flatter than a pees of paper but that wont happen for so long from now . And we might celide with another galaxy in in a couple 100100000000000000 years from now past millions of peoples lives so don’t worry. Did you know that close to how many solar system in the galaxy is about how many grains of sand are on earth. That is a lot of solar system in 1 galaxy . and that there is a metier that could hit earth in the year 2036 but I think that they will ether find something to hit it with or it just will get taken from another planets gravity but it wont kill any body any ways so there’s nothing to worry about right now. I would always wont to go on the moon that would be a neat experiences in my life but its to expensive they make everything to expensive but I understand for this one . Now I’m going to talk about the Amazon forest a bit that’s interesting to you know well I think so at leest

Amazon forest, the Amazon forest is just being destroyed I don’t understand why it is so special it would be one of the most special if it wasn’t being destroyed but the blew there chance all as they want is money I don’t see why money is the world it just a pees of paper with numbers on it why so series and this is alcoholy true not saying that the other stuff isnt true some of it is but human being is a failed sepses it just destroyed earth. I am not trying to be mean ether I am just saying what is going on with this pure forest you are also killing so many animals. All right back to space and planets. I know that there is more planets out there that have oxygen because we arnt the only ones that can breath because space is just to big of a place not to have more than one planet that has oxygen I know there is more than one planet like that. in the universe there are meetyers that pas earth and the moon all the time. the universe know one has found the edge of the universe yet . Mars is getting invited they are trying to find water on Mars not that it is a bad thing they also found pyramids on Mars to that could be a sign of aliens I be liven aliens do you? I also think that aliens made us a lot of people don’t beleven aliens but I do . An alien could of put a peas of back are on a rock then sent it to earth then all the life formed and then finally us one of the newest animals in the world people ether are still dinosaurs on earth you know frogs sharks crocodiles and that about it people used to think that the world was square and you would fall off if you went to far. there are still trillions of thing to be discovered out there in space the universe is just so big that so much things can fit in it. we are not the only life in the universe the universe is just a big explosion that happened called the big bane it happened a couple trillion yeas ago. Also there is a storm on Jupiter that has been there for sentry’s. Saturn has rings but Saturn also has another ring around the first ring to that ring is very big and it is red. Vunis is the only planet that goes clock wise . Thank you for reading my dock I will make another one next time

by roan: Meredith

Just to clarify, Jupiter actually has 63 moons, and Uranus has 27. The Meteor he talks about hitting Earth is known as Apophis, and you can read more about it here (although I prefer Roan’s version).
Roanisms
Be on the lookout
04.06.11 | Permalink | Comment?

Apparently Drake is a two time offender, and Pitbull a triple threat.
Angry Art, Animals, Roanisms
Cats>crap
02.10.11 | Permalink | Comment?

If you don’t own (or rent) a nine year old human you’re probably unaware of the existence of something known as Silly Bandz. You’re probably also equally unaware of how lucky you are to be ignorant to such a pointless waste of money and resources. I however am quite familiar with all things Silly Bandz since Roan brought his first ones home back in September. Back then he had maybe half a dozen and he rarely ever took them off his wrists. Fast forward to last week, his collection is now in the hundreds (partially our fault) and not one is on his wrist. Instead, they are scattered around his room and various locations in the house.

A few days ago I found three half eaten Silly Bandz in different spots, at different times. I told Roan how important it was that he not leave them lying around so the cats ate them. Although we love our cats, we could not afford to drop a few thousand dollars on stomach surgery because they’re retarded and can’t distinguish food from brightly neon coloured pieces of rubber. If faced with the decision of thousands of dollars to save one of their lives vs. letting them die, we would have to choose the latter. It would suck, but we would have to remember that we had done everything we could to give them a great life, even if it has to end prematurely. If we want to avoid that, we need to pick up our Silly Bandz.

The next morning I found a pile of cat barf with a half eaten, semi-digested Silly Band right in the middle of it. I called Roan and Holly downstairs to show them, and again tried to stress how important it was to not leave things like them laying around for the cats to get. I asked him if his Silly Bandz were more important than the cats, and if maybe he could consider which he’d rather keep forever. He decided to give away about 90% of his collection to his friends at school this week, and kept only a few dozen in his locker.

I was really proud that he was able to see which was more important, and was willing to make a sacrifice. He also told me he would have gotten rid of most of them sooner but he felt bad giving them away since lots of them were bought for him by Holly and I (oops!). I made him the above card as a thank you. I wanted to buy him something as a reward (something less dangerous to the cats), and to fill any feelings of emptiness left behind from saying goodbye to his collection of Silly Bandz, but I’m currently waiting on a paycheque. Once I can afford it though, I’m going to get him something cool.
Roanisms
USA USA USA
02.07.11 | Permalink | Comment?

The other day I found this masterpiece sitting on the table. Before anyone calls the authorities I want to clarify that this is supposed to read Hitler Plane, not Plan. Roan is not in the process of drafting a master plan to ethnically cleanse the planet (to the best of my knowledge). Instead, I believe this is his rendition of what Hitler’s plane looked like.

Although it is an amazing drawing of a cool plane, I doubt it was any match for the Americans.

How could those propeller driven Hitler planes expect to stand up against the jet fueled Steowth Bomers the Americans possessed?
Roanisms
Classic tales condensed by cobra cohort
01.28.11 | Permalink | Comment?

Yesterday Roan brought home a bunch of little Freytag Pyramids he made at school. They are used to show the anatomy of a story (although they seem to have excluded the dénouement in this lesson). He left them sitting on the kitchen table, and when I found them I sat and read them. They are great. They remind me of how much I hated doing book reports as a kid. Looking back now, it’s one of the easier things you get forced to do, but that doesn’t change how much I hated it then, or how little effort I ever exerted on anything book related (oh irony, fuck you).

I think I want to ask him to do some of these for a few video games. Holly and I were discussing last night, whether or not he pays attention to the stories in the games, or just plays them. She reminded me that he’s watched Gage play umpteen hours of Bioshock 1 & 2, but had no idea what Rapture was (for those who don’t know, Rapture is the under water city where those games take place).

Anyway, here’s Roan’s breakdowns of some classic tales.

*Spoiler Alert!!!

If you’ve never read some of these the ends may get ruined for you, so stop reading here.

China’s BRVeST GiRL:

iintruduction:

who: chia’s Braves girl

were: in fighightiing felds

Rising Action:

they were losing the fight it was hard

Climax:

they started wining the fight Becuse of the girl

Solution:

the girl Saved china and her Dad

Conclution:

the emperer gave her a rerored for HelPing china

the Pied PiPer

introDution:

it took Place at a littLe Town now

the PiPer

rising Atcinn:

there were alot of rats

Climax:

the rats Started to falow Him

Solution:

So they fallowed Him into a lake

Conluion:

and the rats were never seen again

the little Hero of Holland

introdutcion:

Walking alon the Dik holland Peter Alon time ago

rising Action:

its Dark He’s Runing Home

Climax:

He finds a hole in the Dik He is holding it Bake from flooDing

Solution:

He’s calling for Help nowon comes to Help Him for a night

conclution:

next morning somwon’s going to work He finds Him got Help and Saved the country

King Arther

introduction:

King Arthar At a Beatch

rising Action:

they are fiing At at a Bech King got Hite

climax:

he got a new sord He was just About to Kill Him the Ather Prson DefeteD Him to x

Solution:

He Knoked Him out

Conclusion:

He need A new Sord.